Drive Makes the Disease Smaller

I search for molecular mechanisms, follow research, and engage in intense discussions.

It’s easy to think I’m putting too much energy into this. That my intense focus could be harmful. That I should be thinking about other things.

But for me, it probably works the other way around.

If I had pretended nothing was happening, if I had tried to live “as usual” and push away the thoughts, the truth would still have been there. Gnawing in the background. Demanding energy to be kept at bay. Avoidance is not neutral – it costs.

When I instead make Alzheimer’s my great interest, something strange happens: it stops feeling personally threatening. The disease becomes an object of study. A field of research. A problem to analyze. I go from being a passive carrier of a deadly diagnosis to being an active explorer. That creates drive.

And drive is something different from worry. It is directed energy. Action instead of helplessness. When I work with knowledge and structure, I move from existential uncertainty to concrete activity. I don't experience panic – I experience focus.

I know that balance is important. I am more than my deadly diagnosis. I am convinced that this engagement is an expression of ownership.

This is my reality. I choose to understand it. And in that, there is an unexpected freedom.